Wednesday, May 23, 2007

What was I thinking?

I hate shopping. It’s something I do as infrequently as possible—especially for clothes. Buying clothes for myself ranks right up there with going to the dentist. It’s just not fun, but I’ve gotta do it.

I’m s-l-o-w-l-y dropping my pregnancy weight and fitting back into my old clothes, but I really needed to pick up a few more basic pieces. So when my sister-in-law offered to watch the kids for a couple of hours yesterday so I could shop, I took her up on it.

I skipped Kohls and Target, where I can wander for hours and never find anything that fits. (And fill my cart with playdough and bubbles and t-shirts for the kids!) I went straight to my favorite petite shop—Ann Taylor Loft. Now, I’ve mentioned on this blog that I’m short. Really short. That’s one problem. I’ve also got the middle-section, floppy lumps that need hiding. (Twin pregnancy did a doozy on my body.) And I’m a little bit, uh, disproportioned on top. I’ll leave it at that. Let’s just say that finding shirts that fit me properly, are reasonably attractive, and modest is like trying to keep three boys quiet in the library. It’s not impossible, but it’s very difficult.

I tried to go in with an open mind. Walking by all of the cute, feminine blouses that are on the racks this season, I decided to go for it. I gathered them all up, even the ones that I was sure wouldn’t work, and brought them to the dressing room. Maybe they wouldn’t be as bad as I thought?

Wrong. They were worse. The low point was, don’t laugh, a tube top. I know, I know. A woman of my age and figure has no business trying on a tube top. I get that. And for the record, I have not worn a tube top since I was seven. Until yesterday. I got it over my head fine, had a good laugh at myself in the mirror, and tried to pull it back off. It was, um, stuck. I got a little panicky at this point, and tried a different angle. No luck. I was trapped. And I looked like a pasty-white overstuffed sausage.

Knock. “How’s everything going in there, ma’am?” the perky size-0 clerk asked.
“Not so well. I, um, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I tried a tube top on and now I can’t get it off. I never should have tried it on. It’s bad. Really bad.”
“Do you want some help?”
“I am so embarrassed. I cannot believe I tried this on.”
“I won’t even look,” she promised.
And she didn’t.

And people wonder why I don’t like to shop.


Unknown said...

Sister you and me were cut out of the same cloth! I think you might be a little shorter than I am but your proportions sound alot like mine. I have been in your shoes so many times! OK maybe not with the tube top...but with ill fitting clothes that make me seem like a freak of nature. When you have to wear normal (in my case larger) sizes on top and petites on the bottom - shopping can be a huge pain in the butt (no pun intended). And those lights...those horrible horrible lights. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Give yourself props for sharing your story with the blogosphere!

Llama Momma said...

Thank you, ladies, for your support!! (No pun intended...)

Lara said...

Hey, but what about the rest of the story? I hear from your sister-in-law that you were at least moderately successful, no? I do feel for you though. I don't have nearly as hard a time finding clothes that fit and I still don't enjoy shopping for them.

Llama Momma said...

AMM -- Ah, yes. The REST of the story. I did find some great shorts and capris, a really fun skirt, and a couple of tops. I still need to find new sandals and a few more shirts, but I'm in much better shape than I was!!

Anonymous said...

How funny!! I too hate shopping. we should do a field trip. Just go out and try on the craziest stuff we can find, tube tops included! How about a bikini?? My shopping tip - find a shirt that looks good and fits good and buy one of every color, same with shorts and jeans. It works!! REALLY!

But, seriously, how fun a tube top!

Llama Momma said...

Now a bikini would be scary. Seriously.

The other day I was changing clothes and my husband saw me (in the light!!) and innocently asked, "Ooooh...what happened to your stomach?"

Um. Yeah. Lots of babies. A c-section. Gall bladder surgery...

I think he thought I'd gotten tangled up some barbed wire or something!!

hellolittlepeepers said...

When I was in florida, pre-baby, I had a tankini on and was in the ocean. The top part floated up and my love handle stretch marks had turned the nice shade of purple in the cold water. My friend came up to me and started freaking out. She was like what is on your side! She thought I had been stung by something poisonous and it was spreading.

Similar stretch mark story from bathing suit shopping in high school. I got claw mark like stretch marks on the front of my thighs my sophmore year. That spring, was trying on bathing suits which my mom had to see before I could buy it and she saw the stretch marks and I got the gasp! What happened to your legs... Needless to say I didn't want a bikini. I wanted a 1910 full on pantsuit.

As for getting stuck...been there many, many, many times. Including in Motherhood and Justin had to come pull me out. Why are the dressing rooms so small there, when you are at your biggest? In high school I got stuck in a prom dress and a friend who was shopping with me peed in the one she had on she was laughing so hard. Someone got a nice surprise if they bought that one, plus years later she was passing off the story as me being the one who peed in the dress until I called her on it.

23 degrees said...

Sorry to say, LM, I...look PRETTY SMOKIN' in a tube-top! There's just something it does to accentuate my body hair.

Seriously, this post had me laughing hard! Love the brutal honesty. I am even laughing now, whew!

I guess I feel at ease commenting on this after living with sorority girls (as a houseparent) for seven years. We have seen it all!

Llama Momma said...

Oh, Emily -- that prom dress story is priceless!!!

23 -- I'm sure you have!!

Laughter is good, isn't it? And after shopping trips like that, I'm a believer in laughing!! It's either that or cry, and we all know I'm not a crier! :-)

Craver Vii said...

Llama: *Gasp!*

23: (head tilted) What the...

Llama Momma said...

Sorry to shock you, Craver! I almost didn't post this because of my male readers, but, honestly, *every* woman I know can relate to this in one way or another! So, consider it an educational post.

Hey -- did you get my email? I sent it to your *blog* email contact.

L.L. Barkat said...

Most amusing. Well, after the fact.

Craver Vii said...

Yeah, thanks! I got the picture! I'm sure that Mrs. Craver would like to use the cassette thingies for all her tapes.

Don't worry about shocking me. TMI syndrome is not permanent. The doctor says that after a few more sessions of therapy, I should be able to look women straight in the eye again.

Last night "For Now..." sat in audience as I read aloud from a book for boys. I was reading a portion that describes how boys should treat girls. It was quite informative. They probably had something about tube tops and dressing rooms, but I had to return the book to its owners.

spaghettipie said...

Not only did your post make me laugh out loud, but some of the other comments too. And I laugh not at you...but with you - I most definitely relate.

And who's idea was it for tube tops to make a comeback??

Llama Momma said...

"And who's idea was it for tube tops to make a comeback??"

Probably the same people who thought spaghetti straps on maternity tops were a good plan!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, so has anyone actually taken the time to picture a llama in a tube top? Quite the sight, I imagine!!

Raising Cains said...

this definitely sounds like something that could likely happen to me.

too funny. i can just picture the sales lady and you yanking away at the tube top.

btw, found out that hubby will probably be out of town most of the summer so we'll have to finally make a go of it and get together.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe how much I am LAUGHING at this post. Oh, am I proud of you for trying on a tube top, though. I haven't even LOOKED at a tube top since I was seven.

There is just something awful about shopping for clothes. I know some women who just love it. I think that the mirrors in the fitting rooms are all rigged, and the people who label clothing according to size are trying to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves!

Thanks for keeping it real (and humorous)! And God bless the sales lady who didn't look.

(BTW -- I wonder if she wrote about this on HER blog today?)

Sarah said...

rotflol, ya!