maybe there is a God

I’ve been a Christian for seventeen years now. Well, longer if you count the five-hundred-and-eighty-five-plus times I prayed the “sinner’s prayer” as a child, for fear of going to hell if I didn’t. But the definitive moment for me, that moment when everything and nothing changed, was in a Crisis Pregnancy Center seventeen years ago. My faith in God became my own, and my journey as a follower of Christ began.

And what a journey it’s been. This morning I was reading in Matthew, and the end of chapter 14 finds the disciples on a boat, terrified and trapped in a storm. Jesus walks on the water toward them, and at Peter’s request, calls the disciple to come out on the water with him. Peter walks toward Jesus, then gets scared and sinks. Jesus pulls him up and climbs into the boat. Instantly the storm stops. The disciples’ response? They worship him and exclaim, “You really are the Son of God!”

These are the disciples! They lived with Jesus. They observed and participated in his miracles. Just that day they had seen Jesus feed over 5000 people with five loaves of bread and a few fish. And yet doubt lurked in their hearts. When placed in a boat and tossed into the middle of a storm, their faith waned.

This morning, I find the disciples response to Jesus strangely reassuring. My own heart is fickle and riddled with doubt. If there is one thing that has characterized my own spiritual journey it’s doubt and a lack of faith. And yet I’ve seen God undeniably at work, even in my own life. And too often my response has been, “Maybe there is a God!”

Flannery O’Conner once said, “It’s much harder to believe than not to believe.” This has been true in my own life.

Jesus knew his disciples and their faith struggles, just as he sees the struggle within my own heart. Recently I’ve had a shift in thinking that has resulted in greater faith. And while I’m grateful, I’m also aware that tomorrow could find me in a boat tossed by waves and afraid for my life. “Lord, I do believe, but help me with my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)