Monday, April 16, 2007


It’s been a long week already, and it’s only Monday. My husband left early yesterday morning for a conference in Las Vegas, and I’ve been wallowing in self-pity ever since. Actually, the self-pity started on Saturday, but who’s keeping track?

I’m used to my husband being on-the-road. I’m a veteran of this lifestyle, and even see many positives to it. I’ve even started writing a book on how to maintain close family relationships when you’re frequently apart, but I keep putting it down again, convinced it’s impossible to do. Not the book writing, but the relationships.

I’ve got lots of good survival strategies. I know when to get out of the house and when to stay home. I don’t put my life on hold when my husband is gone. I’ve got people I can call when I need a break from the kids. I’ve got people I should call to get my mind off myself. But you know what? It all feels empty today. I’m not content. That’s the real problem—my own discontented spirit.

Do I trust that God is big enough today? Can I hand over my restlessness and trust that He knows what He’s doing with my life, right here, right now?

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?...
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” (Psalm 42:1-2, 5-6)


spaghettipie said...

Thanks so much for your honesty. I hate to offer platitudes because I know it doesn't always help the way we feel. But what I thought of when I read your post was Philippians 4:12-13:
"...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether sure of where I am or unsure of God's presence, whether my husband is at home or not. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." (paraphrase obviously added). Some days its harder to trust Him than others, but He remains faithful and consistent.

23 degrees said...

I can't help to think of the restlessness of Spring—and it's discontent right before each bud bursts into the light.

I memorized this piece from Ulrich Schaffer a couple years ago. I hope it will encourage you:

I have decided for life
I have decided to grow,
to grow through the fog to the sun,
that attractive star.

I have decided to ignore
the coaxings, the threats to turn into stone.
I have decided to keep in motion.

I have decided take my chances with the abyss,
to weather the painful in-betweens,
wake in my own blood,
mourn my lost innocence
in the process of growth,
because all growth has pain
as it's heart-flower
and it's petals are
the many colors of suffering.

I have also decided to overcome all obstacles,
to stand triumphant at the end,
child turned into man
and into child again.

Llama Momma said...

SP -- thank you for your encouraging words. The scripture IS encouraging, and applies to all of us, in many situations. It's actually a good moment for me to realize that the problem lies within my own heart. Suddenly, I'm not obsessed with changing my circumstances, but rather, making the best of them.

23 --I like that. Thanks for sharing.

We spent the morning at the park; fresh air, sunshine, and peanut butter and jelly can do so much for our outlook on life! As do naps, which I'm about to if you want to leave a comment, do it quietly...

Craver Vii said...

(whispering) Did somebody say peanut butter?...

Craver Vii said...

(still whispering) She looks so peaceful, sleeping. ...Do you think we could move her bed out on the deck without waking her up?

Llama Momma said...

craver -- ha! I wish I was still sleeping. I guess I should just be grateful baby b. is sleeping...

I had to stop by and pick up more bible study books today (I knew I should have bought extras). I almost brought you a peanut butter sandwich, but I didn't want you to think I was stalking you. ;-)

Craver Vii said...

Peanut butter... stalking... don't be celery! I will be offended if you don't ask them to call for me the next time you stop in.

Llama Momma said...

Now, now. Don't get all offended on me. YOU'RE the one passing out stinky blogger awards...

And I'll definitely make a point of saying "hi" next time!